So I got off the bus last night and trudged my way home in the darkness, full up to my eyebrows of negative thoughts and feelings. The words in the little black thought cloud over my head went something like this:
“Hungry. Got off the stupid bus a stop too soon. Cold hands, pockets not big enough, need gloves, can’t afford gloves. Can’t afford anything. Stupid money. What am I going to get people for Christmas? I can’t afford Christmas. Stupid Christmas. If I got paid more I wouldn’t have this problem. Stupid job. I’m stagnating there anyway. But that’s it, I’m stuck there. Why am I checking my phone again? No one ever calls. Why am I looking? I just checked three minutes ago. I’m pathetic. No messages. I have no friends. Obviously I have no friends, if I did they’d call or text. Something. Even my family ignores me. Why hasn’t JM returned my text messages? Come to think of it, she didn’t reply to my message yesterday. I was inviting her over. She’s probably mad at me, I don’t know what for. Dammit, my hands are still cold. This hill is so steep. I don’t have time to make dinner. Can’t afford to buy it. I hope I get through the rest of the evening. I have to go see people. I don’t want to see anyone. Maybe I can tell them I’m sick. I am feeling a little sick. And cold.”
Blah, blah, blah.
I got to the top of the hill and turned the corner, heading toward my house. And I started to laugh. It’s always back to the same old worries, the same old questions, the same old answers. Where are you resting your heart? I take my eye off the ball for a moment, and look where it gets me. I turn into a sour-faced whining negative Nancy. What do any of those things matter anyway? To all who may have had to deal with me in my bout of negativity, I do sincerely apologize.