I guess we’ve all shaken off our first-month-of-summer lethargy.* Now the party season begins. I do love this time of year–backyard barbecues, mid-week evening parties at friends’ homes, Sunday brunches, baby showers, bridal showers, a wedding or two, and in general lots of good quality time spent with friends and family. I look forward to this time of year, especially on those bone-chilling cold days in February when you start to wonder if you’ll ever thaw out again.
Now the summer party season (if one can call it a season) is a lot of fun, yes. But it comes with its fair share of Dangers. To protect the unsuspecting from said dangers, I have compiled a list of warnings for the party attendee.
1) Partying may cause loss of sleep, which increases the risk of: hitting the snooze button every 8 minutes for an hour; arriving late to work and spilling coffee/dropping lunch/tripping over your own feet/walking into your boss’s office to tell him something and promptly forgetting what the heck it was; dizziness; and possibly increased chocolate intake.
2) Partying has been known to deplete bank accounts. Proceed with caution.
3) Excessive partying (more than three in one week) can cause brain damage, up to and including memory loss. The hard-core party-goer may wish to invest in a planner to prevent unwanted side effects of said brain damage (such as: showing up at the wrong house for the wrong party on the wrong day; forgetting to RSVP; and forgetting which side dish one has agreed to provide.)
4) Partying increases the risk of Gossip. (For where two or three–especially of the female persuasion—are gathered for any reason whatever, there conversation about other people is also.) Stockpile convenient and subtle methods for changing the subject. These can include: “Speaking of the Dow Jones Industrial Average, just last week my uncle bought shares in…”; noisy yawns punctuated with, “Goodness, so sorry. All these parties. I’ve been getting, like, no sleep”; sudden fits of laughter; and, in extreme cases, blood-curdling screams and/or seizures.
5) Extroverted party-goers may lose their tolerance for moments of Quiet and Solitude after too many parties in a row. It is suggested that the extrovert engage in some solitary activity for at least half an hour before or after any party to restore equilibrium.
6) Introverted party-goers run risks of shut-down, snappishness, weight-gain, and/or mild depression. It is suggested that the introvert turn down at least one invitation per five invitations to reduce the risk of these side effects.
7) Partying may lead to sudden shopping sprees, when the party-goer decides she just can’t take another hour spent trying on every article of clothing in her closet and goes out in search of a cute outfit.
8) Partying may cause weight gain. The party-goer is advised to take it easy at the snack table…maybe eat dinner beforehand.
9) Partying has been known to cause jealousy and discontentedness, when the party-goer: starts comparing him or herself with others; finds out about other parties to which he or she was not invited; tells jokes that don’t make anyone laugh; discovers that the object of his or her affections is not interested, or is more interested in Someone Else; allows him or herself to wallow for any amount of time in self-pity. Be aware of these side effects. It is recommended that the party-goer find the most left out person in the room and engage him or her in conversation until negative feelings go away. If the party-goer happens to be that most left out person, he or she should either a) suck it up and push their way into a conversation; b) find out if there is anything he or she can do to help the host; or c) if all else fails, smile, call it a night, and head home.
10) Partying may cause one to fall out of touch with parents, siblings, and long-distance friends. To avoid this pitfall, make phone dates, or call early in the day. (Mothers do not take kindly to the excuse, “Sorry I haven’t called. There have been so many parties…”)
The party attendee is urged to proceed with caution…and enjoy the rest of the party season.
*Refers to the first month or so of summer, when people retreat into their various cocoons to recover from the ever-frenzied spring/end of the school year.